


Terrified

by LokianaWinchester



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [18]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Pining, Sleepy bois, kinda a prompt fill for two random prompts I mixed together, requited feelings yey!, self indulgent fluff, slight angst, soft jesus, soft judas, written for swedish jcs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 07:51:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14950608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokianaWinchester/pseuds/LokianaWinchester
Summary: The prompts "I think I’m in love with you; it frightens me" and "You came to me at 4 AM to cuddle?" mixed up into this sweet, fluffy short thing <3





	1. Chapter 1

He had been sitting there so long that his back was hurting and his eyelids were heavy, almost falling closed from time to time, but he willed himself to stay awake.

Jesus was lying on the bed, curled up peacefully and for the last hour, soft snores had filled the air. Judas sighed softly; Jesus overworked himself frequently. He knew his mind was always working, always going at full speed, which made it difficult for him to sleep. They had been talking until Jesus had finally fallen asleep. And for some reason, Judas was still sitting next to his bed, keeping watch over him. It felt like the right thing to do. He needed to be close to Jesus. The man had given him so much, a life, a reason to live, a will to live. Judas owed him so much, so the least he could do was to ensure he slept peacefully.

Distractedly, he fixed a strand of his hair into the loose bun at the back of his head before his gaze wandered back over to Jesus.

He looked so much younger when he was sleeping, not thinking of changing the world. Judas took his time watching Jesus’ features as he breathed in and out, as his expressions shifted ever so slightly when he dreamed something.

Jesus scrunched up his face, shifting into another position and Judas was sure he had never seen anything more precious. He was so lost.

In the beginning it had only been an infinite attraction to Jesus’ mind that was there. The ideas and ideals he shared with Judas. The conviction that there was good in the world, that there was good in every single person, it had fascinated Judas. It still did. This belief in the good qualities of humans, that Jesus held so highly had taught Judas to value himself. The more he thought about Jesus the more he realised how much he had changed his life.

But then after some time the fascination had broadened in some sense and Judas noticed the total beauty of Jesus in soul and body alike.

He started to value the crinkle around the corners of Jesus’ eyes to the same extent with which he regarded each carefully chosen word that left his lips. He started to admire the softness in Jesus’ greenish-brown eyes as much as he admired the way Jesus always found good in everything. He started to love the way Jesus’ skin felt against his own as much as he did their late night talks. And somewhere in that process, he fell in love with Jesus and he was utterly helpless and vulnerable with no way to escape.

But he did not even try. Being in love with Jesus was a natural thing. It made sense, because it was never one-sided.

Judas could not restrain himself from reaching over to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Jesus’ ear. The soft huff of a breath ghosted over Judas’ fingers. How he wished to let Jesus know about his feelings. But he could not. He could never when he was awake, so he had to now.

“Jesus,” he whispered. There was no reaction from Jesus, so he continued.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he said. The moment these words left his lips he knew there was no going back. He was going to be Jesus’ whether the man was going to take him or not. Judas swallowed.

“It frightens me. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never felt this way. I don’t know how. If this was about anybody else I’d ask you for help but it’s you and I can only look. I’ll never act because I’m terrified of … I’m terrified of your future. You talk about brightness and good things, but I know there’s more.”

He remained silent. He could not go on, his throat felt closed up.

“I-” He buried his face in his hands. “I’m scared you’ll leave and I just couldn’t handle that. Sometimes you say things that make me think so. You talk of death so naturally, as if it’s not bad. Or scary. Or terrifying. It is for me, especially your death. I don’t want to have feelings for you because I’ll suffer.” He sighed.

“But I also can’t deny them, because you deserve to be loved. You love so much and you deserve so much back. And I’m so sorry I can’t. I’m so afraid. And I’m ashamed of that.”

He had nothing more to say, just stayed there, mind empty, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“Come here.” Judas jerked up, eyes wide. Jesus was looking at him, eyes half closed. He was still halfway asleep, his ruffled hair framing his face.

“How much did you hear?” Judas asked. His voice was unsteady; he was not sure whether it was better if Jesus had heard everything or only the last part. About him being ashamed, afraid.

“Come here,” Jesus repeated and reached out for Judas. Hesitantly, Judas shuffled over, closer to the edge of the bed and let Jesus’ fingertips caress his cheek.

“Don’t worry. It’s ok to feel scared.” The softness in Jesus’ voice sent tears to Judas’ eyes, which he tried to blink away quickly. “I’m scared too,” Jesus added quietly.

“No,” Judas whispered, leaning in closer, imitating Jesus’ touch. He ran a finger along the line of Jesus’ jaw, over the stubbly hairs of his beard.

“Yes,” Jesus replied. He was looking at Judas with his deep, dark eyes. It was more intimate than any touch could be. “I’m scared because I don’t know the future. You think I do, they all do but I don’t and everything I do has so much impact. And what if I do the wrong thing?” The heavy silence that followed, stood between them like a barrier, that prevented Judas from replying. His throat was closed up with unshed tears. It was not sadness, he thought, and rather the exhaustion paired with empathy for Jesus. Feeling what Jesus expressed.

“If I… if I act on my feelings for you, what if I do something wrong then? What if I lose you?” Jesus whispered, his eyes were wide, almost terrified as he bared his soul, his heart to Judas in this way and suddenly his throat was free again, he could speak and he knew what to say.

“You won’t. Ever. I’m not gonna leave.” It was a promise.

“Okay,” Jesus mumbled weakly, his hand shivering against Judas’ skin. He leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on Jesus’ forehead, a gesture unfamiliar to him and yet so familiar from watching Jesus do it, every day. From receiving it himself. As his lips lingered on the soft skin, Jesus’ hand went to his shoulder, held him close when Judas pulled away.

“Stay. Sleep with me,” Jesus said in a low voice. Judas hesitated for a moment, but he saw the sincerity in Jesus’ eyes and climbed onto the bed, under the light cover, barely toeing off his shoes, before unimaginable fatigue overtook his senses. The only thing keeping him awake was the sensation of Jesus pressed up against him, curling up in his arms, fitting himself into Judas perfectly. Certainty of his love for the man washed over Judas as he tightened his grip around Jesus’ middle and buried his nose in the dark hair, inhaling the scent. It was familiar, calming. He felt at peace.

Falling asleep had never been easier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Planned as a stand-alone, it... chose to become a part of this :)

Judas' touch was addictive. At first Jesus did not want to admit it, but after some time he realised it was, because his touches were special.

Judas gave out touches very selectively and Jesus was one of the very few to be on the receiving end of them. It was a show of absolute trust and he relished in that. The scarcity of Judas' touches was what made them so addictive. And it did not help that the frequency of them increased the better they got to know each other, the closer they became.

It also did not help that Jesus was falling in love with Judas while that happened. Jesus felt guilty when he enjoyed Judas' touches more than he should. Or maybe differently than he should.  
He felt guilty because he was taking them as something they were not, and even though he knew that, he still could not help it. He started missing Judas when they were separated only for a few hours.

Often, more often at a growing rate, he began to crave more. But for Judas, hugs were special already. So Jesus kept to himself. He would not allow more. He would not allow himself to hurt Judas in any way. Judas' hugs clearly let the hugged person know how special it was and Jesus was going to honour that.

The contact was close; no fleeting touches, no evasive head tilts. He stepped in close, wrapped his arms around the shoulders of his opposite. Jesus felt invasive, knowing this, but he was the only one with whom Judas threaded a hand in his hair. He did not hold his torso close, but also his head, touches lingering longer than with Judas’ selective other friends.

As the pressure on Jesus grew, he noticed changes in Judas as well. As Jesus started to withdraw from everybody, wishing for some peace, Judas became more insistent with his touches, but at the same time stayed as evasive as ever. He was close to Jesus, somehow he sensed that he was one of the few people he could tolerate being around, but he still was evasive with his touches. Sometimes Jesus felt like he wanted more, also. The way he leaned against Jesus’ chest when all of them sat together at night or the way he seemed to melt under Jesus’ hands when he carded his fingers through Judas’ hair. It gave Jesus some impression of how things could be for them, a hint at how much more he could have, but Judas would always distance himself after, as if there was some secret limit to how much touch he could tolerate. And maybe there was and Jesus needed to accept that.

Then again, he was insecure about so much these days and he desperately craved something to hold on to. He wanted Judas to be this something, but he knew he could not force it, he could only hope to hold on to whatever Judas was willing to give freely. It was dreadfully easy to make his entire mental wellbeing dependent on the affections of one man, but Jesus could not help it; in this world with all its troubles, where so much responsibility lay on him, he did not seem to be able to carry his own weight.

It became difficult to sleep with all the pressure weighing him down. Merely talking to Judas grounded him enough to calm his mind at times. Their relationship was a simple support system of giving and taking on both sides and Judas at times did not seem to think he was giving at all, seemingly ashamed of taking, of receiving. But Jesus knew better. Judas was giving by just existing in the same space as him, carrying the weight of Jesus’ emotions without knowing it. What he would do without him was beyond Jesus.

When he woke up to Judas talking deep in the night when he should be asleep, everything started falling into place. Judas was holding back for self-preservation, thinking that Jesus did not want him, thinking that Jesus would hurt him in some way, when really, he would do anything not to, because hurting Judas would be like hurting himself.

He could have chosen to pretend to sleep, but he needed to let Judas know, he was not alone, he was never alone with what he was feeling. Judas’ response was overwhelming. The kiss on Jesus’ forehead filled his heart with  happiness, trust and when Judas got into bed with him, touching him, hugging Jesus close, he felt protected. He was grateful, knowing that Judas felt the same as him, knowing that Judas trusted him this much. They would work something out. Both of them had problems a lot of weight they brought with them, but sharing this, sharing their pains and their joys alike would help, he was sure of that.

 He lay awake, enjoying the closeness to Judas he had been pining after for so long, relishing in the sensation of simply being held, of knowing that he had entrusted his heart to the right man. Judas was not going to fail him, Jesus knew for sure, if anything, it was going to be the other way round and Jesus was absolutely terrified of that eventuality.

Waking up in Judas’ arms was perfect. He was still gently cradled in his arms, one of Judas’ hands was carding through his hair. Jesus turned around to face him, smiling at the soft look in Judas’ eyes.

“So you stayed,” he mumbled. Judas’ hand moved along Jesus’ waist to the small of his back to pull him closer, while the other continued to play with his hair.

“Of course. I told you I would.” The words reassured Jesus, that he was safe, that his heart was safe with Judas.

Slowly he leaned forward to return the kiss, Judas had given him hours earlier. He let the touch of his lips linger against Judas’ forehead, then rested his head in the crook of his neck, closing his eyes. Judas continued to hold him close and even though Jesus knew they would eventually have to get up, he was in no hurry to actually do so.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it as much as I liked writing it! (sorry for any mistakes :) )


End file.
